Shut Up, Kiss Me, Drink Rosé

Look, no-one needs a bloody reminder to drink rosé in 2017, I know. The entire population of New Jersey could probably drown in the amount of canned rosé sold to customers in NYC this summer alone. I want you to put down your phone for a second and check your fridge. Is there at least two bottles of rosé in there? DON’T LIE TO ME, PHYLLIS. I see right through you (and those lightly pink bottles.)

“Saving them for a BBQ.” he told me. “Saving them my ass.”

This article isn’t an ironic bait and switch where I tell you rosé is awful and you need to pour that stuff down the sink Haley Joel Osment-in-Pay it Forward style. I’m here to simply recommend five rosés that, you need to gulp down ASAP while listening to Lana Del Rey’s Ultraviolence, as this bottle helpfully suggests:

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  1. Gut Oggau, Winifred, Austria – $35 

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If the Powerpuff Girls made a wine, it would be this one. A blend of Blaufränkisch and Zweigelt from the winemaking family that puts creepy faces on the labels. You’ve probably seen these wines everywhere: believe the hype because this IS THE JUICE. Bubblegum lip gloss smacking goodness, Bubbles. Wild strawberries and herbal tea, Blossom. Biodynamic and natural, Buttercup. Sugar, spice, everything nice + a dash of Chemical X.

2. Vigneti Massa, Terra Sic Est Rosato, Piedmont – $16

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Open this bottle and you might think I sold you a red wine. Forgive the color: this is as close to a rouge as a rosé can get, but boy oh boy is it a wily little rosé. Remember Gushers? The candy that would explode in your mouth with ripe flavor? This wine is cherry Gushers followed by a star anise lollipop. No, it’s not sweet, but you could be forgiven for thinking you were back in the candy shop. If Willy Wonka was taking a vacation on the Mediterranean, he’d reach for this bottle. A blend of Barbera and Freisa from the home of Italian truffles.

3. Lise et Bertrand Jousset, Rosé a Lies, Montlouis-sur-Loire – $18

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When I tasted this at Paris’ Vivent Le Vins Libres! outdoor event, I really thought this was just a joke wine that natural winemakers Lise and Bertrand brought along for shits and giggles. NOPE. This is Nicki Minaj’s Pink Friday on blast. This is Carrie Bradshaw’s ideal wine. A Cosmo with a touch of brioche and some bubblegum magic. STILL. SHOOK.

4. Le Grange Tiphaine, Rosa, Rosé, Rosam, Vin de Table (Loire) – $22

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This is a hodge-podge stew of Loire red grapes that comes together to make THE Pet-Nat of 2017. Come fight me, bro. Gamay, Malbec, Cabernet Franc and Grolleau make love to one another and give you watermelon rind lewks and yeasty yeasty raspberries baby. Just effervescent enough to go to your head and make you want to squeeze your lover’s arse. Biodynamic, because of course daaaarling.

5. André et Mirelle Tissot, Cremant du Jura Extra Brut, Jura – $25

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When I first sipped this cosmic wonder of a sparkling wine, I heralded it as Persephone’s return from the Underworld. Bearing pomegranates, blood orange and rich ruby grapefruits, this is exactly what you want to be drinking to celebrate a summer Friday after the office. A blend of Pinot Noir, Trousseau and Poulsard, this is textured and juicy, but let the bubbles die off a bit before dancing along to its song.

 

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